Here is a list of rules for behavior at work:

1. Keep quiet. Do not answer questions about things you do not have 100% control over.
2. Procrastinate. If someone tells you he or she needs something done immediately, it will soon be proven redundant, irrelevant, or completely wrong.
3. Learn to love meetings. They are a great place to get some rest for your night job.
4. Words speak louder than actions. Concentrate on saying you are passionate about your manager's initiatives.
5. Cover your ass. Get proof before you alert someone to the fact that he or she is wrong.
6. Don't bail out others. They are not looking for help; they just want you involved so they can throw you in front of the blame for their mistake.
7. Force Contracts. Force people into written contracts when they want something. The reason why they ask for something in person, or try to have you intuit the request, is that they never want to be responsible.
8. Be mindful of email distribution lists. If you see an unreasonable amount of people on an email distribution refer to rule #5.
9. Never sacrifice an opportunity to build a consensus. If you think there is a de facto consensus around the fact that "bad things are bad", you just aren't trying hard enough. See rule #3.
10. Push back. When someone delegates there entire responsibilities to you, make sure that is becomes more difficult for them than there original responsibilities.
11. Follow the letter of the law, not the spirit. Don't try to build a team, instead have a team building exercise. Being proactive is good, so being so proactive that things become screwed up is great. "A good manager delegates", so delegating your entire job to someone who already has a job must be a great manager.
12. Appearances are everything. Appearing as if you do something is more beneficial that actually doing it, even when the savings in effort is not considered.
13. Watch what you say. Never use words like 'responsibility', 'authority', 'efficiency', etc. Instead, use words like 'agreement', 'mutual', and 'fuzzy little bunnies'.
14. Be seen, but don't be seen working. The person's name that appears most often in the boss' inbox wins. You may be inclined to think of someone like that as a callow and ineffective, but they must be doing the most work, right?
15. Find someone who is conscientious, efficient, hard working, and smarter than you and get them to do all of your work. The more time you have on your hands, the more you can work on your next promotion and keep that person from being promoted over you.
16. If your manager smokes, so do you. Always choose blowing smoke over kissing ass.
17. Make people feel good. After all, that why work was invented.
18. Don't be sarcastic. Stupid people will have to exert more brainpower to figure out what you are trying to say. Using one's brain at work is a horrible waste.
19. As a boss, remember that work is a place to feel love to make up for your empty relationships with people who don't have to pretend they love you.
20. Take advantage of your coworkers. Invent creative ways to give money and presents to those that control your fate using other people's money, and try your best to publicly chastise those who will not participate in your egocentric schemes.
21. Be a "team" player. Use the word "team" as much as possible even when grammatically incorrect, and then dump your work on others and quickly leave for the day.
22. Always hide a little information about things so you can jump up in meetings and accuse others of not doing them correctly. You'll look smart.
23. Use the lingo. Mimic the terms others use and misuse so nobody can say someone else seems smarter than you do.
24. Always sacrifice doing things correctly for doing things that make you look smart. Why be smart and do something efficiently, when you can take ten times the time to do something and look smarter.
25. Don't do difficult tasks. Dump those off on someone else, and go take an hour to resolve something that should have taken five minutes. You will look like a king.
26. If you don't understand something, just say, "We don't do THAT here!"
27. If someone wants you to do something but he or she won't explicitly tell you to do it, change the topic of the conversation immediately.
28. Don't leave exactly at 5PM, take a 3-hour lunch, fall asleep in an unused conference room, and leave at 5:20PM.
29. Always try to impress your boss. Use big words around them, but do not correct them when they use those words incorrectly. They are just following rule #23.
30. Never tell your boss that you had their job ten years ago. It makes them feel inferior. Why else would they come to work everyday but to feel superior to you?
31. Always honor seniority. After all, all those years at the company has made them as worthless as you'd like to become someday.
32. Use the training budget as a vacation plan. After all, those who really need training are spending their training on the beach.
33. Change people's job descriptions and even titles on a daily basis, so you can get them to do things that don't fit their jobs.
34. Never let work interfere with making friends at work. There is nothing better than a friend who is paid to talk to you.
35. Never miss an opportunity to befriend the most inconsequential staff member in the building and berate others for not doing the same.
36. Make sure people like you. Occasionally, bring doughnuts and other treats to work to buy people's favor. After all the only way you can be fired is if someone doesn't like you (or if you commit genocide).