Amid growing controversy, increasing public pressure to stop ruining local businesses and manufacturers, and resistance of local governments to allow Wal-Mart to build area stores, Wal-Mart is about to take its business model of ultra-low prices and unrelenting expansion where it never dreamed possible – into space.

Wal-Mart plans to be the number one retailer in the Milky Way. Using the Drake equation, measurements from Wal-Mart’s satellites, and estimates from some of this world’s highest paid businessmen, Wal-Mart estimates that it can increase its annual expansion rate to twice what it is today and be able to continue on that pace for 7,400 years if it can serve the galaxy instead of only this planet.

Lee Scott – President and CEO if Wal-Mart Stores, Inc. – unveiled his company’s plan today in Bentonville, Arkansas. They will send probes like galactic circulars to possibly inhabited planets. When they find life, they will establish a storefront and begin shipping products from Earth. Mr. Scott admits that this plan will be limited to planets at first, but assured those gathered that this plan will quickly create a foothold in the galaxy for Wal-Mart and Sam’s Club stores.

How will they overcome the vast distances and time it takes to delivery products on the galactic stage? Wal-Mart has a state-of-the-art logistics system that allows them to track world-wide demand for its products. Their plan is to link the natural intelligences of workers imported from China and Bangladesh into their existing system to form their Galactic Demand Measurement and Fulfillment System (GDMFS). This adaptation of their existing technology will allow them to determine galaxy-wide demand for products within enough time to send the raw materials to third-world worlds for assembly and ship the finished products to the first-world worlds to meet the demand.

They will use a unique distributed biological computation system developed, ironically, in China to fuse the minds of the people that make up its computational matrix. Estimates are that it will take up to 300,000 people to accurately predict galactic demand within the tolerances Wal-Mart projects it will need to maintain its competitiveness. These people will be housed in abandon Wal-Mart supercenters all over the country. Looking to extract all of the value they can from existing assets, Wal-Mart will use the parking lots of its abandon stores to launch the raw materials from Earth to third-world worlds for assembly. The chief spokesman for Wal-Mart said that since the launching of these rockets is hazardous, paid workers cannot be close by, and that would prevent the cities in towns in which these stores have been built from receiving tax money from wages. Additionally, the individual stores will individually incorporated and run at a loss so there will be no profits to tax.

Wal-Mart’s position is that people enjoy shopping in out-of-the-way suburban settings. They do not want to disturb these tranquil suburban settings with the blight of launch pads, the disturbances from rocket launches, or the hazards of dangerous fuel and rocket explosions. “These are best left to the cities and towns where people do not seem to want to shop”, said a Wal-Mart spokesman.

When asked how much would the effort cost, one Wal-Mart official said, “We are Wal-Mart for Christ’s sake, we have more money than God. Besides, in this business, you expand or die. If the people of Earth don’t want Wal-Mart around, that’s fine. In a few decades, the entire population of Earth will be making plastic trinkets for rich aliens while I’m sitting in my office on Planet Wal-Mart 3.”