An open letter to Americans at-large:

Democrats, Republicans, people who throw your votes away, lend me your ears. There is an epidemic in this country that must be stopped immediately before all hell breaks loose. You have apparently learned that you all have the right to vote and, as such, voter turnout is frighteningly high. A full 50% of you genuinely think you can help the country by bringing your particular brand of brilliance and painstaking research performed reading bumper stickers and listening to the insightful opinions of those with whom you associate to bear onto the political process. Well, I’m here to tell you that you are an idiot and you should not vote.

You watch reality shows, you purchase lottery tickets, and you honestly could not name the last three Secretaries of State. You are easily mislead, ill-informed, and by all practical standards, retarded. What in the hell makes you think you should exercise your right to choose your government officials?

Perhaps I can arrange a very special episode of Blossom, with an extra loud laugh-track so you know when to laugh, to coincide with the election or, better yet, a call-in episode of American Idol that starts when polls open and a winner is not chosen until polls close. For those of you on which that would not work, who knows there may be a few idiots out there not sucked in by that show, I could arrange for some celebrity to partake in a perfectly normal activity on television that will have you gawking, drooling, brain-dead losers glued to the TV for the duration.

If somehow you still want to vote, remember this: you do not have the right to complain about your government if you are stupid and you vote.