A few weeks ago, we at The Ominous Harbinger had an epiphany: Since Amish people are known for their hard work and frugality, who better to ask what we should do with our money. So, we sent emails to 3,000 Amish people in the United States and asked the following questions:

1. Do you think Google is still a good buy?
2. Do you think the iPod craze is over or just beginning?
3. With oil prices at an all time high, do you plan to cut back on your gasoline consumption?

The results may surprise you; they did us. Below is a pie chart of the responses we got back.

This did not dishearten us because we believe everyone has a valid point of view and these Amish people were obviously very cagey and this made us try even harder. Instead of email this time, we called since most people are more likely to respond to questions asked over the phone. Our results were not much different, 100% no reply, plus or minus 2%.

We were now completely convinced that they were being so tight lipped because they knew something that we did not, and they did not want to tell us. So we got serious and posted fliers stating that we would pay an individual's PayPal account for each answer from an Amish person. We posted the fliers at businesses in the most high traffic areas: gas stations, Apple Stores, Best Buy, adult bookstores, and The Sharper Image. The flier had our 800 number, email address, our cellphone numbers so they could text message the answers, and a TTY number for the hearing impaired. We even aired commercials for the study on radio stations nation wide.

We received absolutely no calls, emails, or text messages. We put the most modern market research practices into action to discover what these people are hiding, and found the secret that they did not want us to find – they do not exist. Yes, that's right, Amish people are a myth much like urban legends. There is always someone you know who has "seen" Amish people, but when you confront them about it, they tell you that they know somebody who has seen them. Then when you ask that person, they say the same thing. "What about those Amish crossing signs," you ask? The first Amish crossing sign was posted as a prank and now due to the "crop circle effect", now litter places like Pennsylvania.